I don't much use LJ anymore. I use another blog instead. I just like the simplicity of Blogger, the other online thingy I use. I never have much to say, anyway!

But, I am, at least enjoying the sunshine today. I worked, I feel energized, and am just waiting for class to start @ 6. I feel insecure writing online blogs; I feel as if I never have anything important to talk about! I find myself writing mostly when I feel upset or depressed, which hasn't been the case as of late. I'm one of those: "assume no news is good news" types of people. Sad, but true.

Much love to all the LJ people. Look for me on Blogger under the same name!

A special thanks to Autumn for knocking me over the head, so to speak! I miss you, girl. Hope all is well.

I really miss home. Not Clarkston home. Cleveland home. I love you, bebe.

I think I have my schedule figured out for next semester! Yea.

Sometimes I wonder if its animation I'm really interested in; I'm becoming more and more involved with the problems of communication design. Although, I would still love to work out in San Fransisco someday; damn, they have killer design out there. Plus, there is color in Cali. Color + sun + fresh produce + friendly people = happy, good times. This is all generalized, of course, but probably more than true.


There are people I love. I love these people very, very much. Maybe I expect too much of them, however. Some of these people are scared of the future, scared of me and whether they can be commited, whether I can be commited. Well, I am. Till I die. Even then, my soul will always be attached.

I love you. Each and everyone one of you.

All the servers out there, holla holla.

What a server day from hell.

I love the customers who have a plane to catch in a half hour and still think they can sit and enjoy a meal, expecting special treatment and their food before the others who have been waiting patiently for 30 mintutes because its busy as fuck.

Tell me this happens to everyone. I know it does.

Its okay, though. Everyone has their days, and I hadn't had a "day" in a very long time. I was way over due.

Some could care less, it seems. You can give and give, but they will always, ALWAYS take. I want to give up sometimes, but I know that it wouldn't solve a thing, so, I wait.

Have you ever had a piece of clothing to iron and you're almost done when, suddenly, overcome with excitement about smoothing away all the nasty imperfections, you realize you're ironing the wrong thing? And then, well aware that ironing is a somewhat silly and dated practice, you KEEP ironing the same piece of clothing, thinking maybe, in some small way, you're getting ahead of the game? It's possible, you think, that you may NEED that shirt or pair of pants or boxer briefs for some party or interview in the near future, something big and perhaps even life changing, and by ironing that item NOW, you have in someway foreseen an event before it happens. A humble form of ESP. Then you rationalize: that seems a bit far fetched, ironing is not a common practice, especially among people my age, nor is it something any normal human being gets excited about ( but, this is of course after you've extracted some sort of working defintion of normality from society, which is highly laughable. )

I was recently, and perhaps pathetically, doing some surface analysis and comparing ironing to life. My life, in particular. So what happens afterwards, I pondered, once you've done this dirty deed? You wear the fucking thing, right? Then you wash it. Its wrinkled. You iron it. Its the whole "why-make-my-bed-when-I'm-going-to-sleep-in-it-in-a-few-hours-anyway" thing, right? I guess everything is like that, when you REALLY analyze it. We do it all the time, ironing. In all we do, as the world spins, for eternity.

But I don't know what to call this mild case of obsessive compulsion I have, because it is, in some sad way, what drives me: in work, in school, in relationships. Especially in relationships. I always think that ironing is positive, but what if it's really negative? What if its actually the EVIL out of a cliche duality? I NEED to iron out the wrinkles is what it comes down to. I WANT neat, orderly, contained. Its what I understand. But I also understand I can't have perfection all the time, and I'm fine with that, and in fact, elated by it. This, most obviously, confuses some people. I'm obsessed with the idea of symbiosis, of one thing needing the other in order to survive. There is, it seems, a struggle for middle ground in everything, a grey area between the stages of wrinkled and non-wrinkled. If we ever were to reach the middle, however, what will be our driving force after that? The iron is our tool, and its used over and over again. Therefore, perfect can never quite exist. But, this is all regurgitated, stale philosophy anyway.

"What if you catch me, where would we land?"

I'm loving work lately; serving is better than I had expected. It has its days, but all in all, its been a great experience. I'm not sure if it's because of the stress-free, drama-free summer I'm having, but I've been feeling great lately! I attribute alot of it to a new frame of mind, to Lindsey for keeping things in perspective, and to Autumn for bringing a breath of fresh air to my life.

All seems right with the world.

I came back from California to find things changed, and I've never felt so welcome of such an evolution in all my life. I have no more pain, fear, or regret; everything is "as is" and I'm appreciating the meaning of face value. After exhausting my emotions, I've realized that there are no illusions. No one is hiding under my bed, waiting to grab and cut me in my sleep. I feel relieved that I can finally throw out the black box that was holding me captive; I shouldn't have stayed in there so long. So, so long, box.

Now that I'm out in more ways than one, I'm enjoying my summer. Enjoying work, leisure, and friends. I'm glad to know people like Autumn, who have, without realizing it, put a mirror up to my face. I'm finally relaxing, finally getting comfortable, and no longer worrying about who's staying and who's going. Life happens, and I'm fortunate to be apart of Autumn's. Thank you, sweet heart ;P

Wow. School is coming to a close, and I can breathe. Too many intense feelings have come and gone, and I can now embrace the relief I feel. So much beauty in dirt :)

So. Anyone for April being over?!

Things will not remain as they have been. The summer is almost here, I can feel it (not like I'm too thrilled, but it will be a relief to have this school year over with). I will have a car, a house, and work to keep me busy. A friend of mine was right right: it IS about time and change; and its sad. It happens, though. Life, right? And its better for the both of us. We will not remain as we have been.

...are finally coming back. I remember, in high school, I used to have ALOT of really intense, emotional dreams. I think they started again last night! Lets hope its not something that remains constant, because I hate those dreams...

The passport thing is drving me insane right now; Paris is about a WEEK away. It still hasn't hit me. Sometimes when this happens, when I feel this way, it means that I'm not really going or something. I don't know. But I'm excited, none the less, after I push all the anxiety aside. But right now, I found out my sister's being unexcusably STUPID: she didn't take her pyschology final from LAST SEMESTER, so the loan she applied for didn't go through. Now, my parents owe 28 hundred dollars on her tutition bill, along with fees for a missions trip she's going on. I feel extremely disappointed in her, and very angry, because on top of that SHIT, she's not doing well in her classes. My mom and dad are PISSED. I was talking with my mom today; she told me that if Lauren fails even ONE class this spring, her ass is staying home next fall, and she'll have to work full time somewhere to make money to pay for the school my parents will rightfully NOT pay for. Ugh. God damnit. She's just goofing off! And now, this whole thing has made me feel horrible about my parents giving me money for Paris, which is money they can't really give out right now. Damn, I feel horrible. Ugh. I'm staying in Cleveland again this summer, I think. I'm not sure if I can deal living at home right now. I'd feel like I'm mooching off my parents like I've done for 20 years already. WTF. But, on an up note, things are well. I feel out of a TRAP that I somehow got myself in, and I feel invested in my interests again. Good lord, it feels wonderful to be out of that BOX I had myself in for awhile!